It was on our day off a few weeks ago that my thoughts turned to the month of May and especially the weeks in May they call Duffers fortnight. The trouble with Duffers fortnight is it can fall in any of the weeks of May. It's all down to the weather and the sex life of the may fly unfortunately nobody has the control of either. Mrs R. had gone out for the morning something to do with propping up the economy of her hairdressers. So after looking outside and on seeing that the weather was raining cats and dogs I decided to stay in and find my little box of fur and feathers and tie a few mayflies.

The last time I saw the box was last year, but I had a few ideas were Mrs R. may have hidden it.  Although she bought it for me many years ago it was one of those presents that seemed to be constantly lost for  reasons that I can't make out. One of the places that I thought I might start my search was a large cupboard in the kitchen.  As I opened the door it was full to the brim with objects that had not seen the light of day for some time, slowly I removed each object one by one. Each one I removed was a vital piece of kitchen equipment that had been bought over a period of time to make life easy in our modern way of life.  The first one was a blast from the past, a bit of a thing at the time to impress your friends when they came round for tea.  Yes it's the good old sandwich maker, pop your favourite filling in and push down the lid and hey presto out comes a tasty toasted sandwich.  The soda stream was the next item that hit the deck, a must for every household especially if you had children. It was one of those vital bits of kitchen equipment that each mum had to have on display just in case little Fred and his mates from next door went home and told their mums that the lady from number 9 has not got a machine for making fizzy pop.

As I unloaded the cupboard the next item that I came across was an instrument to remove electronically the lids of tins; this was followed by a machine that, if you followed the instructions correctly,  would remove the juice of any fresh fruit placed within its plastic container.  The freshly made fruit juices went one way and the pith went the other, great if you had the odd hour to spend cleaning it after use.  Then that's where it got to, the coffee machine that you pop your freshly ground coffee in, and after a noise that one could only describe  as slurping, it will produce, if you are lucky, a cup of indigestible coffee, oh and here it is the electronic coffee grinder, still in its box.

Top of the list was the bread maker, a must for any busy housewife that wished to produce a loaf of fresh bread at double the price of a shop brought loaf, and so my search went on; electric carving knives, electric knife sharpeners, slow cookers, ice cream makers, bottle openers, and then a teasmade came to light, dear oh dear when was the last time this made an early morning cup of tea?

At last at the back of the cupboard, a small wooden box.  Could it be the box that contained the assortment of old hares' fur, and fluff from unknown body parts.  Yes I do believe it is and on sliding back the lid it was.

I remember a good friend of mine, who was a great trout fisherman, in a conversation regarding the very best hair for an imitation trout fly.  He was told that the best hair came from a certain part of a lady.  The part that the hair came from was not easily forth coming and he had heard of only two other men who through persistence  had obtained sufficient hair from their ladies. So a plan was made to extract the hair from the lady in question; it was to be done while the lady was asleep.  Apparently the hair, if taken from this part of the ladies body, had special qualities that would excite the trout in taking any fly made from the hair.  So after three nights of waiting for his wife to fall asleep my friend attempted,  with the aid of a pair of specially warmed snips, was unable to remove the hair that he desired. But on the forth night he had a cunning plan and he opened a nice bottle of red wine, the lady in question consumed a few glasses before retiring to her bed.  This gave my friend his best, if not his last chance, to snip away, as his wife fell in to a deep slumber  he phoned me to say that he had been successful.  Anyhow the next day he caught the biggest trout that we had seen.  Yes caught on a specially tied fly from the hair taken from his wife's special hair or ,as we all know it, from her fringe.  What she thought had happened to her hair as it was two or so inches shorter we didn't know, but when asked we looked at each other and made no comment pretending  not to have noticed.  But it was good for catching trout!

It was at that time when all the items of mass destruction were sprawled out over the kitchen floor that I heard Mrs R returning.  Knowing that it was not the done thing to put your hands into any ladies drawers without asking first,  after an hour of interrogation I finally broke down and had to tell Mrs R. why I had been in the cupboard.  With all these unused items on the floor I made the mistake of asking why do we save these?? This was a big mistake, guys never tell a woman that she doesn't have to hang onto an object, even if it may be a pair of old yellow and red shoes with pink bows that are two sizes too small, or maybe that food mixer that has not seen the light of day for almost six years.  So with this selection of useless equipment displayed on the floor and because of Mrs R's. unexpected early return and my incorrect use of words I felt that my time had come. With my hand firmly grasping my flies and my special box tucked under my arm I was frog marched to the garage. Mrs R, I assumed was not in the mood to be mucked about, and once in the garage it was pointed out that I had a hedge cutter but no hedge; also it was pointed out I had a grass mower but we did not have a lawn, and just to add insult to everything Mrs R. said how about sorting out all those fishing rods.  She almost made the mistake of saying "you have fishing rods but," then for some reason she stopped herself.., and thought better of it. As Mrs R marched back to the house to return the goods  to the cupboard, never mind I thought, happy days to come, the winding stream, warm sunny days, birds singing, a hand tied special Mayfly from my old mate, and of course, Duffers fortnight.
 

Many years ago I used to make a trout pâté that was resold at a trout farm, they used to bring me the freshly smoked trout and I would blend it ready for them to package in little tubs for resale.  Why pay silly prices when you can easily make your own at home?

First of all you have to buy your smoked fish, this can be smoked trout, or if you prefer a slightly stronger flavoured taste then you can use smoked mackerel. To make a good smoked fish pâté, choose your fish, buy two good sized fillets and remove any skin, next go to the cupboard and find the food processor, flake the fish into the bowl then add around 12ozs of slightly softened butter.  Switch the processor on and give it a good blitz.  Do this until the smoked fish and the butter has blended well together.  To season the pâté add the juice of around half a small lemon, a tad of white pepper, but only add salt if you need to.  If you have a little cayenne pepper add a pinch.

Give the mix and seasoning a good blitz; once done scrape out the fish pâté into a clean bowl, cover with cling film and place in the fridge to set. Serve this smoked fish pâté with crispy toasted bread or cream crackers. The pâté will keep for a few days as long as you keep it in the fridge, but I have a feeling it won't last that long once you have tried it.


Colin Rushmore